It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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