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Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
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