They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I need to align my fucking chakras
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
