i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
