you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
