I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
