I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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