My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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