You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
