I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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