so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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