Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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