It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
