dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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