i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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