A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
