my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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