I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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