My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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