i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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