I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
