I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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