then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Dignity is for republicans.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize