Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
