I am puke
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Don't make out with my wife yet
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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