what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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