roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
