you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Randomize
