Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
