hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
