Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
