Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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