no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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