so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
