I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
