I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize