I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
