hotel room ftw
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
