Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
