i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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