just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
