I cannot find my penis.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
