I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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