i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
