So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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