Can Purell be used as lube?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
