I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
