haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
