When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
