get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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