The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
