I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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