I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize