happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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