so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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