they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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