haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I am mentally ready for anal.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
