I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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