Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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