angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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